


Halloween-R-Us

by Lisamc21



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst Free Zone, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Epistolary, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gratuitous use of Social Media, Halloween, Humor, M/M, Schitt's Creek is a Halloween Town, This is the most indulgent thing I've created
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27154156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisamc21/pseuds/Lisamc21
Summary: Schitt's Creek is a Halloween-themed town. David owns a Halloween store, but Rose Apothecary-type classy. Then Patrick rolls into town and opens a competing store, and, of course, David isn't happy. This is the story of David and Patrick told entirely through social media posts, texts, town council meeting transcripts, newspaper articles, and more.Though it shows the story is 2 chapters - each chapter is the complete story.Chapter 1: The story told (mostly) through designed graphics of social media posts, text chains, etc.Chapter 2: The story entirely in plain text for anyone using assistive technology, text-to-speech, etc.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 88
Kudos: 140
Collections: Schitt's Creek Trick Or Treat





	1. Full fic in designed form

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [SCTrickOrTreat](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SCTrickOrTreat) collection. 



> **Prompt:**  
>  David and Patrick own dueling Halloween stores in a Halloween-themed town. That's it. That's the prompt. Do what you will. Maybe enemies to lovers trope? *waggles eyebrows*
> 
> NOTE: Chapter 1 is the complete fic in designed format. To read this with assistive technology, please skip to chapter 2 for the full fic in plain text.
> 
> Apologies for any pixelated bits or wonky sizing. I relied on a lot of generator tools and stitching together images and it's definitely Frankensteined. 
> 
> Flickr limits the options for how wide I can embed an image so some may be too small and need zooming in. Sorry!!

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#### Schitt’s Creek Town Council

  


  
Sept. 5 meeting transcript

**Public comment sign-up list**  
David Rose  
Patrick Brewer  
Ray Butani

**Roland Schitt:** It looks like we have three people signed up for public comment this evening. First up is David Rose.

**David Rose:** Thank you for the opportunity to address the town council this evening. I’m here as the owner of Autumn Apothecary.

**Roland Schitt:** We know the name of your business.

**David Rose:** Yes, thank you. Anyway. I recently learned that the vacant storefront on Main Street has been leased and a second general Halloween-themed store will be opening. I’m concerned that two competing general Halloween-themed stores in our town will be harmful for both businesses. Does Schitt’s Creek really have the tourism base to support two businesses selling Halloween decor?

Surely the space could be better used to round out our town’s business offerings. Perhaps a bakery or costume shop? Or a tourism experience like palm reading. Maybe a gallery with autumnal art. Our region is beautiful this time of year.

I stand before you not solely concerned for my own business, but for the image of our town. What kind of message are we sending if tourists come here and are forced to choose between two businesses attempting to fulfill their seasonal gift and decor needs.

**Roland Schitt:** Thirty seconds left, Dave.

**David Rose:** Thank you, Mayor Schitt, for eating into my two minutes to remind me of that.

**Roland Schitt:** You’re wasting time thanking me. Please continue.

**David Rose:** As I was saying. I believe that granting this license was a mistake and I request the town council to step in and rectify this for the welfare of our town. Thank you for your time.

**Roland Schitt:** Thanks, Dave. Next we have Patrick Brewer.

**Patrick Brewer:** Good evening. Hi, I’m Patrick. The owner of the new store Mr. Rose spoke of. I came here tonight to introduce myself as the newest resident of this fine town, and invite you all to the grand opening of Halloween-R-Us. I appreciate the opportunity to support the local economy by complementing existing Halloween merchandise with additional, lower cost options.

I appreciate the opportunity to support the mission of this town of being a year-round Halloween destination. Halloween is my favorite holiday and I’m so dang excited to live in a Halloween town.

When I open, I’ll be holding a hard launch and all residents of Schitt’s Creek will get twenty-five percent off your purchase.

**Roland Schitt:** Now that’s a generous offer. Dave, you should consider doing something like that. No, Dave, you already spoke. I’m sorry but you’ll have to wait until the next meeting to sign up for public comment again.

**Moira Rose:** David, frowning like that will create premature wrinkles.

  


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### New Halloween-R-Us Offers Budget Decor Options

Patrick Brewer, 31, has loved Halloween since he dressed up as his childhood Blue Jays hero, Roberto Alomar, three years in a row.

Originally from Pine Valley, Brewer co-owned a business consultancy with his college roommate. When they sold the successful business earlier this year, Brewer decided to bring his expertise to Schitt’s Creek.

“I knew I wanted to start a new business, but I wasn’t sure what kind. But when I came across an article about Schitt’s Creek as one of Canada’s up-and-coming Halloween destinations, I knew I wanted to look further,” Brewer said.

And look further he did. Brewer said he conducted his own assessment of the viable options and he decided to open a retail store selling budget Halloween decorations and costumes.

“With the lack of a big box store in the area, I wanted to create a space where children could bring their allowance to pick out a trick-or-treat bag or families could pick out costumes without breaking the bank,” Brewer said.

The Schitt’s Creek Town Council is pleased to welcome Brewer to town. “Halloween-R-Us is exactly the kind of store this town needs,” said Mayor Roland Schitt.

When asked if Brewer is concerned about competing with Autumn Apothecary, owned by David Rose, he said he anticipated enough business for both stores. “Mr. Rose and I meet different market needs. With both of our stores in Schitt’s Creek, we offer a broader array of options to local citizens and tourists alike.”

Rose declined to comment.

Brewer said he expects to host a series of events and programs leading up to Halloween this year.

Halloween-R-Us opens on Saturday. Residents can show their identification with a local address to get 25% off their purchase during Saturday’s grand opening.

For more information about Halloween-R-Us, visit HalloweenRus.com or @HalloweenRus on Instagram and Facebook.

  


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**This Week With Ray**  
_Episode 348 transcript_

**Ray:** Next I’d like to welcome David Rose. This is his first time on the podcast. Welcome, David.

**David:** Um, thanks, Ray. I appreciate you having me.

**Ray:** It’s my greatest pleasure to have the owner of the town on my humble podcast.

**David:** I thought we were going to talk about my business?

**Ray:** Oh yes. What inspired you to open Autumn Apothecary?

**David:** When my family and I moved to Schitt’s Creek—

**Ray:** Because you lost everything and this was the only asset the government let you retain?

**David:** Uh, yes. Anyway, I wanted to, um, help develop the Halloween aesthetic of the town by opening a store selling handcrafted and high quality decor and gifts.

**Ray:** How did you get the idea?

**David:** When exploring the area, I met several artisans who made amazing goods, but struggled to find a way to sell their wares year-round. I wanted to create a space where they could sell things all year, but to stick with the town’s theme, I worked with each vendor to come up with items connected to Halloween and the season.

**Ray:** We have a listener submitted question. Why did you name your store Autumn Apothecary instead of Halloween Apothecary?

**David:** Though Halloween is the central focus, my store includes items that work for the season beyond Halloween.

**Ray:** That’s great. Another listener submitted question. Are you single?

**David:** Excuse me?

**Ray:** Are you dating anyone?

**David:** I’m not sure what that has to do with my business.

**Ray:** I’ll take that as a no. Gwen said you were single.

**David:** Who’s Gwen?

**Ray:** You’re so funny, David. I’m considering putting together a Schitt’s Creek singles club. Would you be interested in joining?

**David:** No, thank you.

**Ray:** What are your thoughts on Halloween-R-Us?

**David:** How much time do you have?

  


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### Town Council Raises Over $7,000 Toward New Roof

The Schitt’s Creek Town Council held a charity event last night to raise funds toward replacing the failing town hall roof. Between the cover charge, vendor fair and live auction, the council raised $7,823 toward the project, which is expected to cost nearly $12,000.

“I’m grateful to the residents of Schitt’s Creek who opened their pocketbooks to support the town council. It’s been difficult to do our public service in a building where we’re in constant threat from the heavens pouring down,” said Councillor Moira Rose, who organized the event.

Mayor Roland Schitt said the council expects to hold another fundraiser early next year with hopes to have the full funds raised for spring construction. “If anyone has extra buckets, please consider donating them so we can be prepared for any winter leaks,” he said.

There were more than a dozen items up for live auction from construction labor to business consultations to smoothies at the cafe. The auction item that raised the most money was a date with David Rose, owner of Autumn Apothecary and the town of Schitt’s Creek. Patrick Brewer, owner of Halloween-R-Us won the date with Rose for $1,000.

“It was so romantic. Patrick immediately bid $1,000,” said Twyla Sands, of Cafe Haunted Tropical. The cafe raised $50 for their month of free smoothies. “That’s $50 more than I expected!” she added.

Those interested in donating to the roof fund can learn more at SchittsCreek.com.

  


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**@PatrickBrewer Instagram post**

Who needs to hire movers when you have friends as great as these?  
[Photo 1: the back of a truck filled with boxes]  
[Photo 2: Ted and Patrick assembling the bed frame while David reads the instructions]  
[Photo 3: David laughing as he takes a bite of pizza]  
[Photo 4: five hands holding beers clinking them together in a cheers]

**@Rachel284:** So glad you got settled in! FaceTime me this week and give me a tour.  
**@AlexisRose:** Today was fun!  
**@TedTheVet:** Happy to help, bud!  
**@StevieBudd:** You owe me wine  
**@PatrickBrewer:** @StevieBudd I saw you steal that bottle. We’re even.  
**@StevieBudd:** Dammit.  
**@TheDavidRose:** Whoever styled your place has impeccable taste.  
**@PatrickBrewer:** @TheDavidRose: I’d have thought so too, but they said my baseball posters were too “high school jock” for my “adult apartment.”  
**@TheDavidRose:** @PatrickBrewer thank God they saved you from that embarrassment  
**@Rachel284:** @TheDavidRose Thank God indeed ;) His posters should remain at his parent’s house where they belong  
**@TheDavidRose:** @Rachel284 [praise hands emoji]

  


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**David Rose Fan Club**

**Patrick:** I need your help  
**Stevie:** Did you finally murder David?  
**Alexis:** Ooh is this like a spy mission?  
**Patrick:** I want to take David on a special date and I need your help to get him there. It’s a surprise.  
**Stevie:** Hiding things from David is one of my favorite hobbies. I’m in.  
**Alexis:** Me too! Do we get code names? I want to be Hummingbird.  
**Stevie:** I’m not doing this if we have to use codenames.  
**Alexis:** Ugh. You’re no fun.  
**Patrick:** Okay, here’s the plan. I’m going to pretend there’s an emergency. Alexis, can you watch David’s store? Stevie, can you drive David to me? I’ll text you the address.  
**Alexis:** Patrick, is this what I think it is? [watering happy eyes emoji]

  


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### Engagements

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David Rose and Patrick Brewer have announced their engagement. David owns both the town of Schitt’s Creek and Autumn Apothecary, and Patrick owns Halloween-R-Us. The couple met last year when Patrick moved to Schitt’s Creek to open his store. Their first date occurred when Patrick bid on a date with David at the town council’s first town hall roof fundraiser. Patrick proposed on September 5 to David at Warner Farms during a picnic. Their wedding is planned for June next year.

  


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**My People**

**David:** I need you all to promise me you will not allow anything Halloween-themed anywhere near our wedding.  
**Stevie:** Don’t be dramatic  
**Alexis:** Come on, David  
**Patrick:** I wouldn’t dare. I’d prefer to live after our vows and actually get to experience being married to you.  
**Alexis:** Awww  
**Stevie:** Barf  
**David:** I’m serious. Stevie? Alexis? I need your help with this.  
**Stevie:** Fine, I’ll cancel the dancing pumpkin troupe.  
**Alexis:** And the pumpkin carriage. You’re no fun.  
**David:** I’M SERIOUS. I don’t trust these townies.  
**Alexis:** It’ll be fine, David

  


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### Local Entrepreneurs Join Forces to Expand Halloween Empire

David and Patrick Rose-Brewer joined forces in love and business. This married couple, who own Autumn Apothecary and Halloween-R-Us, will offer seasonal tours in September and October. 

The pair have teamed up with several local businesses to offer tours. Tour tickets will include visits to the Rosebud haunted house, Warner farms for cheese tasting, several local wineries, spooky photos with Butani photography, a pumpkin patch stop, and more.

“Schitt’s Creek is becoming a top Halloween destination in Canada and we want to help grow that legacy by supporting other local businesses,” Patrick Rose-Brewer said. 

David Rose-Brewer added, “I’m proud of the entrepreneurial spirit in our town and region. One thing I love most about Schitt’s Creek is the community spirit and how people want to support each other. That spirit has been invaluable to my family, and Patrick and I hope to continue that with our businesses.”

The inaugural tour will be held on September 1. Tickets are available at SchittsCreekTours.com.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the complete story in plain text for anyone not wanting the graphics or using assistive technology. Everything in brackets is a description of an image or emoji.
> 
> Chapter 1 is also the complete story, but with the designed epistolary elements.

iMessage chat

David: Someone leased the storefront across the street from mine. What do you think it’ll be? [image of storefront window with “LEASED” sign hanging]  
Alexis: Ooh David! Maybe it’ll be a cute little boutique with festival wear.  
David: There are no music festivals in this part of Canada and we live in a Halloween town. Why do you think it would be festival wear?!  
Alexis: Ugh! I don’t know David! Why are you asking me if you don’t want my ideas?  
David: A costume shop, sure. But festival wear? Come on.  
Alexis: Oooh a costume shop would be super cute! It’s too bad Esther’s place burned down last year. A Halloween town without a costume shop is kinda lame.  
David: Yeah, it is.  
David: And, no, I’m not going to start carrying sexy costumes so please stop asking.  
Alexis: Ugh! Fine! 

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FACEBOOK GROUP: Schittheads

Original post  
Ray Butani: Does anyone know what’s going to open in the new space? I’m hoping for a Halloween bakery. I love spider-themed cupcakes.

Comments  
Twyla Sands: Yum! A bakery could be great. We could get rid of our pastry case at the cafe and use that space to expand our smoothie offerings.  
Alexis Rose: yaaaay Twy

Alexis Rose: I’m rooting for a costume shop! With, like, kid costumes and adult costumes and sweet costumes and sexy costumes. Definitely sexy costumes.  
Ted Mullens: That would be spooktacular, babe  
Alexis Rose: lol babe  
David Rose: gross  
Alexis Rose: Just because you’re lonely doesn’t mean you need to hop in the town Facebook group to put Ted and I down  
Stevie Budd: Oooh burn David  
David Rose: @StevieBudd Don’t you have a business to run?  
Stevie Budd: @DavidRose Don’t you?

Bob Currie: It’s going to be another Halloween store. With decorations and things.  
David Rose: @BobCurrie And by “another” you mean?  
Bob Currie: Like yours, David!  
David Rose: Um, excuse me? Why did the town council act so irresponsible as to approve a competing Halloween store? Surely that can’t be wise for the local economy.  
Roland Schitt: Don’t worry, Dave. A little competition never hurt anyone. I won’t buy my pumpkin foot cream from anywhere else.  
David Rose: @RolandSchitt While I appreciate the sentiment, my concern stands. Why add a second store that sells Halloween decorations and themed gifts when there’s an opportunity to add diversity to Schitt’s Creek’s commercial offerings? Like a costume shop.  
Alexis Rose: Thank you, David. Yes. A costume shop.  
Moira Rose: David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican.  
David Rose: Mother, we will be speaking later.  
Ronnie Lee: [laugh-cry emoji] Don’t worry, @DavidRose, I’m sure this store will fill a gap in the market with plastic hanging witches and window clings and stuffed skeletons.  
David Rose: The horror.  
Stevie Budd: [Jack O’Lantern emoji] [skull emoji] [coffin emoji] Maybe they’ll carry those tombstones that talk when you walk by them  
David Rose: @StevieBudd I hate you.

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iMessage chat

Stevie: [image: David standing at the front window of his store, looking outside and scowling]  
Stevie: With that kind of welcoming attitude, I’m sure you’re going to survive the competition with ease. Who wouldn’t shop at your place over the other one?  
David: I hate you.  
Stevie: Hate me so much you don’t want the dirt I got on the new store’s owner?  
David: I mildly dislike you.  
Stevie: That’s what I thought.  
David: Would you like an engraved invitation to share your intel with me?  
Stevie: Engraved is unnecessary, but I wouldn’t mind calligraphy.  
David: [middle finger emoji]  
Stevie: His name is Patrick Brewer and he just moved to town after leasing the store. He’s living with Ray.  
David: Of course he’s living with Ray. Is he some older guy trying to live out his retirement dream or something?  
Stevie: Nope. He’s our age and pretty good looking.  
David: Pretty good looking?!  
Stevie: I mean, for a straight-laced frat guy  
David: Ugh  
Stevie: He seemed nice too  
David: UGH. I’m so fucked  
Stevie: Yup. People are definitely going to like him more than you.  
David: Gee, thanks for your vote of confidence  
Stevie: Your bitchiness is part of your charm. Chill out.  
David: [face emoji with eyes and mouth in straight lines]  
Stevie: He’s going to open in a few weeks. You should go introduce yourself.  
David: I’ll do no such thing  
Stevie: Welcome him to the neighborhood. Offer to show him around town. See if he likes men.  
David: Nope. He can come to me if he wants to meet.  
Stevie: What is this? The Wild West?  
David:  
Stevie: You’re so fucked

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Schitt’s Creek Town Council  
Sept. 5 meeting transcript

Public comment sign-up list  
David Rose  
Patrick Brewer  
Ray Butani

Roland Schitt: It looks like we have three people signed up for public comment this evening. First up is David Rose.

David Rose: Thank you for the opportunity to address the town council this evening. I’m here as the owner of Autumn Apothecary. 

Roland Schitt: We know the name of your business.

David Rose: Yes, thank you. Anyway. I recently learned that the vacant storefront on Main Street has been leased and a second general Halloween-themed store will be opening. I’m concerned that two competing general Halloween-themed stores in our town will be harmful for both businesses. Does Schitt’s Creek really have the tourism base to support two businesses selling Halloween decor?

Surely the space could be better used to round out our town’s business offerings. Perhaps a bakery or costume shop? Or a tourism experience like palm reading. Maybe a gallery with autumnal art. Our region is beautiful this time of year.

I stand before you not solely concerned for my own business, but for the image of our town. What kind of message are we sending if tourists come here and are forced to choose between two businesses attempting to fulfill their seasonal gift and decor needs.

Roland Schitt: Thirty seconds left, Dave.

David Rose: Thank you, Mayor Schitt, for eating into my two minutes to remind me of that.

Roland Schitt: You’re wasting time thanking me. Please continue.

David Rose: As I was saying. I believe that granting this license was a mistake and I request the town council to step in and rectify this for the welfare of our town. Thank you for your time.

Roland Schitt: Thanks, Dave. Next we have Patrick Brewer.

Patrick Brewer: Good evening. Hi, I’m Patrick. The owner of the new store Mr. Rose spoke of. I came here tonight to introduce myself as the newest resident of this fine town, and invite you all to the grand opening of Halloween-R-Us. I appreciate the opportunity to support the local economy by complementing existing Halloween merchandise with additional, lower cost options. 

I appreciate the opportunity to support the mission of this town of being a year-round Halloween destination. Halloween is my favorite holiday and I’m so dang excited to live in a Halloween town.

When I open, I’ll be holding a hard launch and all residents of Schitt’s Creek will get twenty-five percent off your purchase. 

Roland Schitt: Now that’s a generous offer. Dave, you should consider doing something like that. No, Dave, you already spoke. I’m sorry but you’ll have to wait until the next meeting to sign up for public comment again. 

Moira Rose: David, frowning like that will create premature wrinkles.

* * * * *

iMessage chat

David: I’m so fucked  
Stevie: Obviously  
Stevie: Why this time?  
David: I met Patrick  
Stevie: What was he like?  
David: Smug as hell. He said he’s “so dang excited to live in a Halloween town.” Ew.  
Stevie: Agree with my assessment?  
David: Sure, he’s good looking if you don’t mind Sears catalog models who blow into town and name their business Halloween-R-Us.  
David: That’s the literal worst name possible.  
David: I can’t believe I’ll have to stare at a sign that says that. Unsafe work conditions.  
David: And he got up there and talked about how his store is helping the economy by selling affordable stuff and my merchandise is overpriced. Rude!  
Stevie: Did he really tell you your stuff is too expensive?  
David: Well, not in those exact words  
Stevie: In what words then?  
David: Are you just going to ask me questions?  
Stevie: So what if I am?  
David: I hate you

* * * * *

iMessage chat

Rachel: How’s it going in Schitt’s Creek? Sufficiently spooky?  
Patrick: It’s kinda weird living in a Halloween themed town and there’s only one restaurant. Cafe Haunted Tropical.  
Patrick: [image: fake flamingos with fake cobwebs and spidered spread between them]  
Patrick: Every menu item is connected to Halloween somehow. There’s “zombie meatloaf.”  
Rachel: Bet it’s not as good as your mom’s meatloaf.  
Patrick: It’s not. Definitely not. This meatloaf is sort of green?  
Rachel: Ew. That sounds like an ER visit waiting to happen.  
Rachel: You know, you knew it was small when you decided to move there  
Patrick: It’s one thing to visit and another to live here.  
Rachel: You could have gone anywhere. I still don’t get why you chose Schitt’s Creek.  
Patrick: My spreadsheets decided for me. I looked at several towns, and between the cost of living and economic possibility, Schitt’s Creek made the most sense.  
Rachel: God, you and your spreadsheets  
Rachel: [barf emoji]  
Rachel: Is the town excited about your store?  
Patrick: Everyone except for the owner of the other Halloween store in town.  
Rachel: Wait. You decided to open a store in a small, Halloween town and there’s already a store selling the same stuff?  
Patrick: No, I’m not an idiot. I did my research. David sells totally different things. Since there’s no box stores out here, I’m trying to fulfill the gap with affordable decorations and things. David’s store is fancy. Handmade ceramic pumpkins and locally made pumpkin skincare. Crocheted throw pillows with subtle skull patterns. It’s pretentious.  
Rachel: Sounds like my kind of store.  
Patrick: You know, it is. You’d love it.  
Rachel: What’s it called?  
Patrick: Autumn Apothecary  
Rachel: Oooh yeah. That store is nice! Just looked it up on IG.  
Rachel: You didn’t tell me David’s hot!  
Patrick: Why would I tell you he’s hot?  
Rachel: [wink emoji] So you think he’s hot?  
Patrick: Objectively, yeah. Obviously he’s attractive, but he tried to get the town council to revoke my business license!  
Rachel: Patty, you moved into town and opened a competing business. Wouldn’t you be defensive?  
Patrick: We’re not even competing. We’re selling completely different things.  
Rachel: Maybe that’s not how he sees it.  
Patrick: You’re supposed to be on my side.  
Rachel: I’m on your side as long as your side is the reasonable one.  
Patrick: Gee, thanks, Rach.  
Rachel: I know you hate to be disliked.  
Patrick: I’m nice! People tell me I’m nice. David didn’t give me a chance to show him I’m nice before he decided he hates me. You should have seen the glares he sent me at the meeting.  
Rachel: With those eyebrows? I can imagine. Yum.

* * * * *

Schitt’s Creek Observer  
September 23

New Halloween-R-Us Offers Budget Decor Options 

Patrick Brewer, 31, has loved Halloween since he dressed up as his childhood Blue Jays hero, Roberto Alomar, three years in a row.

Originally from Pine Valley, Brewer co-owned a business consultancy with his college roommate. When they sold the successful business earlier this year, Brewer decided to bring his expertise to Schitt’s Creek.

“I knew I wanted to start a new business, but I wasn’t sure what kind. But when I came across an article about Schitt’s Creek as one of Canada’s up-and-coming Halloween destinations, I knew I wanted to look further,” Brewer said.

And look further he did. Brewer said he conducted his own assessment of the viable options and he decided to open a retail store selling budget Halloween decorations and costumes.

“With the lack of a big box store in the area, I wanted to create a space where children could bring their allowance to pick out a trick-or-treat bag or families could pick out costumes without breaking the bank,” Brewer said.

The Schitt’s Creek Town Council is pleased to welcome Brewer to town. “Halloween-R-Us is exactly the kind of store this town needs,” said Mayor Roland Schitt.

When asked if Brewer is concerned about competing with Autumn Apothecary, owned by David Rose, he said he anticipated enough business for both stores. “Mr. Rose and I meet different market needs. With both of our stores in Schitt’s Creek, we offer a broader array of options to local citizens and tourists alike.”

Rose declined to comment.

Brewer said he expects to host a series of events and programs leading up to Halloween this year. 

Halloween-R-Us opens on Saturday. Residents can show their identification with a local address to get 25% off their purchase during Saturday’s grand opening.

For more information about Halloween-R-Us, visit HalloweenRus.com or @HalloweenRus on Instagram and Facebook.

* * * * *

iMessage chats

Alexis: OMG David. Did you see this? Patrick sounds like such a sweetie. Why’d you decline to comment? Free press, David!  
Alexis: https://SchittsCreekObserver.Com/NewHalloweenRUsOffersBudgetDecorOptions

Stevie: In case you want to print this to kick off your stalker shrine.  
Stevie: https://SchittsCreekObserver.Com/NewHalloweenRUsOffersBudgetDecorOptions

Dad: Son, did you see the article about the new business in the newspaper? You should ask Alexis to get a feature on your business. Also, how do I send a link to you via text? -Dad

Mom: Can you cease your tantrum, please? Mummy’s got a headache and your shrill wails are berating my eardrums through our shared wall.

Ronnie: [laugh-cry emoji] https://SchittsCreekObserver.Com/NewHalloweenRUsOffersBudgetDecorOptions

* * * * *

Instagram DM

@AlexisRose: I secured you an interview on the next episode of Ray’s podcast.

@AlexisRose: [IGTV link to audio from episode of This Week With Ray paired with a slide show of pictures of Ray]

@TheDavidRose: Wait, Ray has a podcast? What the hell does he talk about?

@AlexisRose: Ugh. Listen to it, David. It’s important to prepare before an interview.

@TheDavidRose: I didn’t agree to an interview!

@AlexisRose: Ooh this is a good episode. Gwen is sharing the hot goss about one of the Jazzagals eloping with Roland’s cousin.

@TheDavidRose: Who the hell is Gwen?!

* * * * *

@HalloweenRUs Instagram post [photo showing two ceramic ghost candle holders. The ghosts are clutching a tombstone that says RIP and two Jack O’ Lanterns]  
Caption: Looking to light up your windows and welcome trick-or-treaters? Check out our candle selection. In addition to these ghost holders, we have witches, pumpkins, vampires and mummies. Candles available in orange, black, white, red and purple. Mention you saw this post for 10% off your candles through Friday!

Comments:

@JocelynSchitt: Those are adorable! I definitely need a set of those.  
@TedTheVet: You’re the pumpKING of candles  
@StevieBudd: Hey @TheDavidRose, don’t you think witch ones would look great in the motel office?  
@TheDavidRose: @StevieBudd I don’t think the motel can handle more than one witch  
@HalloweenRUs: @TheDavidRose Not sure you can have too many witches.  
@TheDavidRose: @HalloweenRUs tell that to Dorothy  
@HalloweenRUs: @TheDavidRose We have a great selection of Wizard of Oz costumes if that’s what you’re looking for.  
@StevieBudd: @TheDavidRose Tin Man would be a great costume for you  
@TheDavidRose: @StevieBudd Rude

* * * * *

This Week With Ray  
Episode 348 transcript

Ray: Next I’d like to welcome David Rose. This is his first time on the podcast. Welcome, David.

David: Um, thanks, Ray. I appreciate you having me.

Ray: It’s my greatest pleasure to have the owner of the town on my humble podcast.

David: I thought we were going to talk about my business?

Ray: Oh yes. What inspired you to open Autumn Apothecary? 

David: When my family and I moved to Schitt’s Creek—

Ray: Because you lost everything and this was the only asset the government let you retain?

David: Uh, yes. Anyway, I wanted to, um, help develop the Halloween aesthetic of the town by opening a store selling handcrafted and high quality decor and gifts.

Ray: How did you get the idea?

David: When exploring the area, I met several artisans who made amazing goods, but struggled to find a way to sell their wares year-round. I wanted to create a space where they could sell things all year, but to stick with the town’s theme, I worked with each vendor to come up with items connected to Halloween and the season.

Ray: We have a listener submitted question. Why did you name your store Autumn Apothecary instead of Halloween Apothecary?

David: Though Halloween is the central focus, my store includes items that work for the season beyond Halloween. 

Ray: That’s great. Another listener submitted question. Are you single?

David: Excuse me?

Ray: Are you dating anyone?

David: I’m not sure what that has to do with my business.

Ray: I’ll take that as a no. Gwen said you were single. 

David: Who’s Gwen?

Ray: You’re so funny, David. I’m considering putting together a Schitt’s Creek singles club. Would you be interested in joining?

David: No, thank you.

Ray: What are your thoughts on Halloween-R-Us?

David: How much time do you have?

* * * * *

iMessage chat

Patrick: I met David tonight.  
Rachel: I thought you already met him?  
Patrick: I mean, I’ve seen him before. At the town council meeting and passing each other in the cafe, but we hadn’t spoken yet.  
Rachel: And?  
Patrick: Pretty sure he hates me.  
Rachel: Not sure how someone could hate you. What makes you think that?  
Patrick: He scowled at me the whole time and told me my store had “the aesthetic appeal of a high school dance” and my social media looks like it’s run by the “senior center’s knitting club”  
Rachel: [series of laugh-cry emoji]  
Patrick: Thanks for your support.  
Rachel: Sounds like you guys like each other and he’s teasing you like a high schooler.  
Patrick: I don’t think there’s anything he likes about me.  
Rachel: Do you want him to like you?  
Patrick: I mean, life would be easier if he didn’t actively loath me and want my business to fail. It’d be nice to be friends with the business owner who works across the street from me instead of worrying he’s gonna sabotage my electrical or something.  
Rachel: Patrick.  
Patrick: Okay. So he’s intriguing. I wouldn’t mind it if he didn’t hate me. And maybe our businesses could team up on some things. Like dual coupons or something.  
Rachel: Or something.  
Patrick: lol shut up

* * * * *

FACEBOOK GROUP: Schittheads

Original post  
David Rose: The Autumn Apothecary is hosting a wine and cheese tasting on Friday from 5-8pm. Representatives from several local wineries and cheese mongers will be available to answer your questions. [image of an artfully arranged charcuterie board with a glass of red wine]

Comments  
Roland Schitt: Has your new shipment of pumpkin foot cream arrived yet?  
David Rose: @RolandSchitt Not yet, but as soon as it does I’ll let you know. Would you like me to set some aside?  
Roland Schitt: 2 jars  
David Rose: @RolandSchitt Of course.  
Alexis Rose: @TedMullens Date night!  
Ted Mullens: @AlexisRose You got it, babe! It’ll be a gouda time!

* * * * *

@HalloweenRUs Instagram story post  
Enjoying a glass of cabernet and dill havarti over at the @AutumnApothecary  
[photo of a half empty plate of cheese and half empty glass of wine]

Instagram DM

@AutumnApothecary DM: That’s nice. Thank you for coming tonight.

@HalloweenRUs: You’re welcome. I had a good time and I may have already opened the havarti I bought.

@AutumnApothecary: Heather’s cheese is amazing. It pairs really well raisins and walnuts. 

@HalloweenRUs: Thanks for the tip. I wish I knew how to pair things like that.

@AutumnApothecary: I’m happy to help. If you ever have pairing needs or whatever

@HalloweenRUs: Thanks, David :) I’ll take you up on that

* * * * *

Reddit: Ask Gay Men  
r/AskGayMen - Posted by ShortStop812 7 hours ago

Headline: Advice for small town/rural “baby” gay?

Post: I recently moved to a very small, rural town. I’m in my early 30s and just came out as gay recently after having a long-term relationship with a woman most of my life. There seems to be a very small queer community. I haven’t dated any men yet and don’t know many people in town. I’m not sure how to go about meeting people while also, I guess, getting comfortable with my new identity?

Comments:  
NightNeon21 6 hours ago  
Is there a local LGBTQIA+ club or something? Are there any gay bars?

ShortStop812 6 hours ago  
I think there’s a gay bar a couple towns over but I’m not sure I’m ready to go for that yet? I’ll check into the club idea. Thanks!

DaddiBearrr 6 hours ago  
Congrats! It’s exciting to come to those realizations. Is there someone in your town who you know is gay or queer? Maybe you could ask them for advice?

ShortStop812 6 hours  
There’s someone I think is queer. Not sure if he’s day, but probably queer. We’re not exactly friends so I don’t know that it’s a good idea for me to ask.

DaddiBearrr 5 hours  
Maybe this conversation could make you friends?

ShortStop812 4 hours  
We have professional differences and he’s not my biggest fan. But maybe I could work up to it.

DaddiBearrr 3 hours  
Obviously I don’t know him, but I’ve softened toward people pretty quickly when I realize they’re under the rainbow flag. Could be worth a try?

ShortStop812 3 hours  
That’s a good point. I’ll give it some thought, thanks!

NightNeon21 5 hours  
Is this guy hookup or boyfriend potential? Maybe you could ask him to show you the ropes ;) 

ShortStop812 4 hours  
LOL he is incredibly hot (like if I didn’t already realize I was gay, I might have as soon as I saw him) but I think I want some experience before I climb Everest, you know? Because of our professional connection, I can’t risk making a fool of myself

NightNeon21 3 hours  
Pic or GTFO :p

ShortStop812 3 hours  
lmao. Tall, dark, and handsome sex in skinny jeans.

* * * * *

iMessage chat

Alexis: OMG David! Patrick is a total button. Did you see his IG story? [heart eyes emoji]  
David: Yes. I got the notification.  
Alexis: That was super sweet of him!  
David: I guess  
Alexis: You should go over and thank him [eggplant emoji] [peach emoji]  
David: I don’t even know where to begin with that.  
David: How do you know he likes men?  
Alexis: Ray said something about Patrick being the only gay man in the singles club.  
David: He’s gay?! But the jeans…  
Alexis: Being gay doesn’t automatically give you a fashion sense  
David: I guess  
David: God, he joined Ray’s singles club??? That’s so sad  
Alexis: He lives with Ray. How could he avoid it?  
David: You think I’d join a singles club if you started one just because we live together?  
Alexis: Patrick is nice. You’re not.  
David: Fair  
Alexis: I don’t know, David. Maybe he wants to get out there and meet someone. You should take note. It’s really sad to see you all mopey and lonely all the time. You need someone like Ted [blush emoji] [heart emoji]  
David: If I dated someone who made as many puns as your boyfriend, I’d become a hermit in the wilds of the Northern Territories.  
Alexis: That was unnecessary  
David: Was it

* * * * *  
David Rose’s journal  
October 11

Reasons why I shouldn’t find Patrick intriguing  
-He thought “Halloween-R-Us” was a good name for his business  
-Does he get his jeans from Walmart?  
-The entire premise of his store cheapens the Halloween experience  
-Braided belts? Hello, 1984  
-Too damn cocky  
-He’s way too comfortable teasing me

* * * * *

@HalloweenRUs Instagram story  
We’re sponsoring this year’s 5k! Visit our website or SchittsCreekHalloween.com to sign up. 10% off costumes if you bring in your 5k registration confirmation.

Instagram DM

@AutumnApothecary: Isn’t it an irresponsible business practice to encourage people to run in polyester costumes? 

@HalloweenRUs: Polyester is actually a decent fabric to run in. The chafing isn’t too bad.

@AutumnApothecary: But what about breathability?

@HalloweenRUs: Pick your poison I guess

@AutumnApothecary: Guess I’ll just have to skip it all together. 

@HalloweenRUs: Aww not going to join the 5k? I’ll help you pick out a costume. Our Dorothy dress would be breathable. I could help you bedazzle a pair of your sneakers with red rhinestones.

@AutumnApothecary: First of all, I’m not running and certainly not joining a group activity before nine. Second, my shoes are designer and if you so much as think about going near them with a bedazzling tool, I will start a bonfire tradition with every single shitty costume in your store.

@HalloweenRUs: Not a bad idea. I’m sure the cheap fabric is pretty flammable.

@AutumnApothecary: [gif of a bonfire] Consider this a warning.

@HalloweenRUs: Shaking in my bedazzled Nikes over here, David

@AutumnApothecary: Let me guess, they’re blue?

@HalloweenRUs: You barely know me and I’m already too predictable

@AutumnApothecary: Predictability isn’t always the worst thing in the world I guess

@AutumnApothecary Instagram story  
[screenshot of @HalloweenRUs’s post with added sticker of a person running]

Instagram DM:

@HalloweenRUs: Thanks David :)

@AutumnApothecary: You’re welcome 

@HalloweenRUs: Did it hurt to share something so against your usual aesthetic?

@AutumnApothecary: Yes. Very much so.

@HalloweenRUs: Bring you a coffee tomorrow to ease the pain?

@AutumnApothecary: Caramel macchiato, skim, 2 sweeteners, sprinkle of cocoa powder [coffee emoji] [prayer emoji]

* * * * *

@AutumnApothecary Instagram post  
Bring your receipt from the Walker pumpkin patch in for 15% off any pumpkin item in the store. Expires October 31. [Jack O Lantern emoji]

@HalloweenRUs Instagram story  
[screenshot of @AutumnApothecary post] The maple pumpkin candies are [chef’s kiss sticker]

Instagram DM:

@AutumnApothecary: Thanks, Patrick [candy wrapper emoji]

@HalloweenRUs: You’re welcome :)

@AutumnApothecary: You’re getting fancier with your posts. Screenshots and stickers? I’m impressed

@HalloweenRUs: I’m still in over my head, but I’m trying lol

@AutumnApothecary: If you ever want a tutorial, happy to help

@HalloweenRUs: Yeah? I’d really like that actually. Thanks!

@AutumnApothecary: No prob. First tip - the paper airplane icon under a post? That lets you share it to your story and saves you a screenshot.

@HalloweenRUs: [mindblown emoji]

@AutumnApothecaxry: [blush emoji]

* * * * *

Instagram notifications:

@PatrickBrewer followed you

@PatrickBrewer wants to send you a message

Instagram DM:

@PatrickBrewer: Do I have you to thank for this? [image: package of maple pumpkin candies taped to his store’s front door]

@TheDavidRose: Maybe :)

@PatrickBrewer: [image: two empty wrappers] They’re so good. Thank you, David!

@TheDavidRose: You’re welcome :)

* * * * *

iMessage chat:

Stevie: How come I just heard Patrick ordering your ridiculously complicated coffee order from the cafe?  
David: Maybe because I’m not the only one with good taste in this town?  
Stevie: How come I saw him walk it over to your store?  
David: Because Patrick brought me coffee. Happy?  
Stevie: Fucking delighted.  
Stevie: Followup Q. Why is Patrick bringing you coffee?  
David: Because he, unlike some people in this text thread, is nice  
Stevie: I’m not going to bring you coffee  
David: exactly  
Stevie: Did you put out or something?  
David: No! I gave him some Instagram advice and he was saying thank you.  
Stevie: That seemed like a long thank you.  
David: Are you stalking me?  
Stevie: It’s not stalking if I ate breakfast at the cafe and just happened to see that Patrick brought you coffee and stayed in your store for nearly a half an hour before literally running across the street  
David: He lost track of time and had to run to open his store  
David: You’ve seen his IG. He desperately needs the help. The photo composition alone *shudders*  
David: What? No snark?  
David: Your silence is more terrifying than anything  
David: Stevie  
David: STEVIE  
David: Okay, so I may have prematurely misjudged his character. He’s not the worst.  
David: And maybe kind of nice? I didn’t expect him to come to my wine and cheese tasting. And he’s been sharing some of my stuff on his store’s IG? Like, who does that? Is this a long con to ruin my business?  
David: S T E V I E B U D D  
Stevie: omg I was talking to Twyla! Chill! But good to know a few minutes of silence gets you singing like a canary  
David: [middle finger emoji]  
Stevie: [two men emoji] [heart emoji] [eggplant emoji] [peach emoji]  
Stevie: I don’t think he’s trying to ruin your business  
Stevie: At worst, I think he wants to be friends. At best? He might want to wear your skin as a suit  
David: BEST? REALLY STEVIE. You need to ease up on the true crime docs  
Stevie: Don’t tell me how to live my life, Rose  
David: ID marathon and wine tonight?  
Stevie: Text me when you’re on your way over

* * * * *

@HalloweenRUs Instagram story  
Still looking for a costume? We have these Wizard of Oz costumes available*. *cute puppy not included [stock image of people in Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion and Dorothy costumes on white background]  
[countdown widget] Halloween in 3 days, 12 hours, 38 minutes

Instagram DM:

@AutumnApothecary: What kind of Wizard of Oz creature would seek fashion sense from the wizard?  
@HalloweenRUs: I don’t know but I think you’re going to tell me  
@AutumnApothecary: A Blue Jay  
@HalloweenRUs: Wow David. I don’t know whether to be impressed or severely offended.  
@AutumnApothecary: Why not both? [shrug emoji]

@AutumnApothecary Instagram story post: [shares screenshot of @HalloweenRUs Instagram story post]  
@HalloweenRUs is the best place in town to pick up a costume before Halloween! [devil horns over “HalloweenRUs”]

Instagram DM:

@HalloweenRUs: The restraint you demonstrated in not specifying I’m the only place to get a costume in town should be commended.  
@AutumnApothecary: Thank you for noticing. [praise hands emoji] I think it was a moment of personal growth for me.  
@HalloweenRUs: [image: Ron Swanson saying “I’m really proud of you.”]  
@AutumnApothecary: [image: Leslie Knope pointing and saying “thank you”]  
@AutumnApothecary: Also, thank you for putting more effort into your stories. It’s less embarrassing for me when I share them to my story  
@HalloweenRUs: My entire goal with this is to make things less embarrassing for you. I’m super glad to hear I’m achieving that  
@AutumnApothecary: Okay, I know you’re being sarcastic, but I do appreciate it  
@HalloweenRUs: ;)  
@HalloweenRUs: I found that pic on the supplier’s website. Much better than I could have taken on my own. That was a great tip. Thanks, David  
@AutumnApothecary: yw

* * * * *

FACEBOOK GROUP: Schittheads

Original post  
Ray Butani: Here are the costume contest photos! I can add anyone to a volcano for only $10. Congratulations to David and Patrick for your first place tie for your Wizard of Oz costumes! David, your Tin Man was a sight to behold. And Patrick, great job with the lion makeup. 

Comments  
Twyla Sands: Aww David and Patrick! You two look so cute! Great couple’s costume.  
Alexis Rose: The cutest couple’s costume!!!  
Stevie Budd: It’s a shame neither of them have a brain.  
David Rose: Hi, not a couple’s costume.  
Patrick Brewer: Great photos, @RayButani!

* * * * *

iMessage chat:

Rachel: Cowardly Lion? Really? A bit on the nose, isn’t it?  
Patrick: He went as the Tin Man.  
Rachel: Wow  
Patrick: Do you think it means something?  
Rachel: I mean, it’s got to, right? Is this some weird ass form of flirting?  
Patrick: I really have no idea  
Rachel: Ask him  
Patrick: You make it sound so easy  
Rachel: Guess you’d better find the wizard then

* * * * *

Instagram notifications:

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@TheDavidRose commented on your post: [fire emoji]

* * * * *

iMessage chat:

Patrick: I’m going to swing by the cafe and grab a tea. Want a coffee?  
David: You’re a saint. Thank you.  
Patrick: Should I add a sweetener for every one of my photos you liked last night?  
David: Huh?  
David: Wait  
David: Oh God  
David: What did I do?  
Patrick: [image: screenshot of Patrick’s Instagram notifications]  
David: JFC. Scrap the coffee. I can never look at you again. Goodbye, Patrick. It’s been nice knowing you. I’m going to go die of embarrassment now.  
Patrick: It’s nice to be appreciated for my photography skills. What exactly was [fire emoji] about the photo of me playing baseball? Is it that you can literally burn wooden baseball bats in fire? Or more of a safety warning for wildfires given the forest in the background of that photo? Or you could tell how hot it was that day by the sunlight and sweat on my face?  
David: You are the absolute worst  
Patrick: Even worse than polar bear shots?  
David: How?  
David: How do you know that?  
Patrick: [laugh-cry emoji] Didn’t check your stories yet, huh?  
David: I literally haven’t checked my phone.  
Patrick: Except to reply to my text.  
David: Except to accept your generous offer to bring me coffee.  
David: Oh God.  
David: OH MY GOD.  
David: I have to deactivate my IG now. The posts had too many views. I must change my name and move. Think of me fondly when I’m gone.  
Patrick: I’m sure everyone enjoyed your rendition of “All I Want for Christmas is You.” Great song choice for early November.  
David: For all this sass, I am expecting a pastry as well.  
Patrick: Yes, your highness. [crown emoji]

* * * * *

Instagram DM:

@AlexisRose: [shared IGTV post of latest This Week With Ray episode]  
@AlexisRose: Gwen is claiming you and Button are a couple. Why didn’t you tell me?!  
@TheDavidRose: We’re not dating! Why the fuck does everyone think we’re dating!  
@AlexisRose: Um because #Davrick trended locally with the photo of you two in your cute little Wizard of Oz costumes.  
@TheDavidRose: UGH  
@TheDavidRose: I’m literally sitting in the same room as you. Why are you DMing me?

* * * * *

iMessage chat:

David: I owe you big time. Thank you so much for saving my ass today  
Patrick: Happy to help. I don’t get the skills I picked up over the summer I worked with a plumber often enough.  
David: So glad my water leak at the store could help you flex those muscles  
Patrick: Seriously though. What kind of town doesn’t have an on-call plumber? Do people not have plumbing emergencies here?  
David: Hi, have you met Schitt’s Creek?  
Patrick: lol fair enough  
David: Lunch is on me. I can close up and bring it your way. 1?  
Patrick: Sounds good. Club sandwich with fries?  
David: You got it. I might even throw in a tea if I’m feeling generous.  
Patrick: Unsweetened iced tea [fingers crossed emoji]

* * * * *

David Rose’s journal

November 11

Reasons why Patrick is nice  
1\. He brings me coffee and gets the order right  
2\. He asks for my advice on his social media and merchandising his store windows (thank God I don’t have to look at those creepy ass witches any longer)  
3\. Cowardly Lion?!?!? OMG. Stevie swears he was sending me a message but I don’t know  
4\. He’s friendly when people stop to talk to him. Like he doesn’t mind the interruption and he makes people feel important  
5\. Okay, he’s really fucking hot (in spite of the braided belt)  
6\. I like it when he teases me

* * * * *

@AutumnApothecary Instagram post  
Holiday shopping for someone who loves Halloween? Visit us and @HalloweenRUs. Spend $40 at either store and get a 15% off coupon to use at the other store. Good through November 30.  


* * * * *

FACEBOOK GROUP: Schittheads

Original post  
Moira Rose: Good evening denizens of Schitt’s Creek. Television’s Moira Rose here (and one of your town councilors). I have taken it upon myself to lead a charity effort to raise funding for a new town hall roof. The core of this effort is an evening of entertainment, featuring yours truly, with a live auction.

The live auction items include:  
Coffee with Moira Rose  
Five hours of labor from Ronnie Lee Contracting  
Business consultation with Johnny Rose  
Five hours of math tutoring with Jocelyn Schitt  
Public relations consultation with Alexis Rose  
Oil change from Bob’s Garage  
One month of free smoothies at Cafe Haunted Tropical  
Date with Gwen Currie  
Date with David Rose

Please keep your attention rapt as details develop.

Comments  
Twyla Sands: I’ve got a bunch of smoothie recipes ready to try! Winner will receive one smoothie per day.  
Roland Schitt: Hey Ronnie, how much can you get done in five hours? Paint a windowsill?  
Patrick Brewer: @RolandSchitt LOL  
Stevie Budd: Clarification question. For the dates, does the bidder have to pay for the date as well? Or is that experience provided? I don’t plan on bidding, but the additional details will help me better picture this scenario.  
David Rose: @StevieBudd If you’re not going to bid, please refrain from commenting.  
Stevie Budd: @DavidRose I have a penny jar. Think that’s enough?

* * * * *

iMessage chats:

Alexis: OMG DAVID  
Alexis: BUTTON  
Alexis: [revolving hearts emoji] [lipstick kiss emoji]

Stevie: [series of skull and crossbones emoji]  
Stevie: Look at your fucking face [image: David’s eyes wide and mouth wide open, looking shocked]  
Stevie: Look at your mom’s fucking face [image: Moira's eyes wide and mouth wide open, looking shocked]

Alexis: I told Ted I can’t come over tonight because we are talking and you’re not getting out of it. OH MY GOD DAVID

* * * * *

Schitt’s Creek Observer  
November 28

Town Council Raises Over $7,000 Toward New Roof

The Schitt’s Creek Town Council held a charity event last night to raise funds toward replacing the failing town hall roof. Between the cover charge, vendor fair and live auction, the council raised $7,823 toward the project, which is expected to cost nearly $12,000.

“I’m grateful to the residents of Schitt’s Creek who opened their pocketbooks to support the town council. It’s been difficult to do our public service in a building where we’re in constant threat from the heavens pouring down,” said Councillor Moira Rose, who organized the event.

Mayor Roland Schitt said the council expects to hold another fundraiser early next year with hopes to have the full funds raised for spring construction. “If anyone has extra buckets, please consider donating them so we can be prepared for any winter leaks,” he said.

There were more than a dozen items up for live auction from construction labor to business consultations to smoothies at the cafe. The auction item that raised the most money was a date with David Rose, owner of Autumn Apothecary and the town of Schitt’s Creek. Patrick Brewer, owner of Halloween-R-Us won the date with Rose for $1,000.

“It was so romantic. Patrick immediately bid $1,000,” said Twyla Sands, of Cafe Haunted Tropical. The cafe raised $50 for their month of free smoothies. “That’s $50 more than I expected!” she added.

Those interested in donating to the roof fund can learn more at SchittsCreek.com. 

* * * * *

iMessage chat:

David: What the hell am I doing  
Stevie: Uh texting me when you should be making heart eyes at your date?  
David: He’s at the bar getting us drinks  
Stevie: How’s it going so far?  
David: Really fucking good. God. He’s so easy to talk to.  
Stevie: Then why are you freaking out?  
David: What makes you think I’m freaking out?  
Stevie: You’re texting me during a date and opened with ‘what the hell am I doing’  
David: Okay, yeah, I’m freaking out. Patrick is really great and funny and nice and treats me well and listens to me and teases me and what the hell does he see in me?  
Stevie: David, you’re a really great guy. Patrick noticed it right away and finally made a move. A really fucking big move.  
David: $1,000 for a date?! That’s romantic comedy level grand gesture right there  
Stevie: Exactly. Let him in. You deserve to be happy.  
David: Thanks, Stevie. Thanks for always having my back.  
Stevie: Yup. I’ll swing by the store tomorrow for full details.  
David: Here he comes. K bye

* * * * *

iMessage chat:

Patrick: So, David and I went on a date last night  
Rachel: [gif: Kool Aid Man bursting through a wall]  
Rachel: Um what?  
Patrick: There was a fundraiser and his mom signed up him for the live auction. I bid $1k for a date with him.  
Rachel: You spend a thousand bucks for a date with your crush?!  
Patrick: Yeah…  
Rachel: You’re the biggest penny pincher I know!  
Patrick: I’m happy to spend money when it’s worth it.  
Rachel: Was it worth it?  
Patrick: [blushing emoji] It really was. Best $1k I’ve spent.  
Rachel: Better than the World Series tickets you bought?  
Patrick: 100%  
Rachel: Wow. You really like this guy.  
Patrick: I really do, Rach. He’s amazing.  
Rachel: Do you think he likes you back?  
Patrick: Actually, yeah, I do. He kissed me [mind blown emoji] and we already have plans for a second date this weekend. And lunch today.  
Rachel: Holy shit  
Patrick: I KNOW  
Rachel: Do I get to come to the wedding?  
Patrick: lol shut up  
Patrick: You’ll be my best (wo)man  
Rachel: JFC. Look at you. [heart-eye emoji] I’m so damn happy for you.  
Patrick: Thank you. I’m pretty damn happy for myself. God, he’s so great.  
Rachel: Look who found their courage after all :)

* * * * *

@PatrickBrewer Instagram post  
Who needs to hire movers when you have friends as great as these?  
[Photo 1: the back of a truck filled with boxes]  
[Photo 2: Ted and Patrick assembling the bed frame while David reads the instructions]  
[Photo 3: David laughing as he takes a bite of pizza]  
[Photo 4: five hands holding beers clinking them together in a cheers]

Comments:

@Rachel284: So glad you got settled in! FaceTime me this week and give me a tour.  
@AlexisRose: Today was fun!  
@TedTheVet: Happy to help, bud!  
@StevieBudd: You owe me wine  
@PatrickBrewer: @StevieBudd I saw you steal that bottle. We’re even.  
@StevieBudd: Dammit.  
@TheDavidRose: Whoever styled your place has impeccable taste.  
@PatrickBrewer: @TheDavidRose: I’d have thought so too, but they said my baseball posters were too “high school jock” for my “adult apartment.”  
@TheDavidRose: @PatrickBrewer thank God they saved you from that embarrassment  
@Rachel284: @TheDavidRose Thank God indeed ;) His posters should remain at his parent’s house where they belong  
@TheDavidRose: @Rachel284 [praise hands emoji]

* * * * *

@TheDavidRose Instagram story  
[photo of two bowls of pasta and wine]  
Whoever originally decided to pair cheese and pasta deserves a lifetime achievement award [sticker of wine bottle pouring into a wine glass] @PatrickBrewer [in small text along one bowl of pasta]

* * * * *

@PatrickBrewer Instagram post  
Glad I decided to start closing on Mondays. [image of two pairs of socked feet on a coffee table with the TV on in the distance]

* * * * *

@TheDavidRose Instagram post  
[selfie of a grumpy David wearing a Blue Jays baseball cap and team T-shirt]  
I love baseball so much. It’s my favorite sport and I want to watch it all the time. I wish I had season tickets to the Blue Jays.

Comments:

@TheDavidRose: If it wasn’t clear, this post was created under duress. My boyfriend won a bet and he’s cruel. @PatrickBrewer [eyeballs emoji]  
@PatrickBrewer: You look so good in that jersey [fire emoji]  
@TheDavidRose: @PatrickBrewer Don’t get used to it. This hat is ruining my hair.  
@StevieBudd: OMG what was the bet?!  
@PatrickBrewer: @StevieBudd We worked in each other’s stores for the day. We made each other a list of things to sell and whoever sold those things first, won. This is one of the things I won in the bet.  
@StevieBudd: @PatrickBrewer Do I want to know what else you won?  
@TheDavidRose: @StevieBudd you do not

* * * * *

@PatrickBrewer Instagram post  
Love is when your night owl boyfriend gets up before you to wake you up with your favorite tea and a delicious breakfast. Happy Valentine’s Day, @TheDavidRose.  
[photo: pancakes with heart shaped banana and strawberry slices]  
Comments: @TheDavidRose: How you slept through all the sounds I made in the kitchen will forever mystify me  
@PatrickBrewer: Given the absolute mess in the kitchen? Me too. Guess I was sleeping hard.  
@AlexisRose: @PatrickBrewer Ewwwwwww  
@AlexisRose: @PatrickBrewer And awwwww  
@AlexisRose: I can’t believe you woke up before him @TheDavidRose  
@TheDavidRose: @AlexisRose I KNOW. Guess I love the dweeb  
@PatrickBrewer: Dweeb? Really @TheDavidRose?  
@TheDavidRose: @PatrickBrewer if the rubber finger thimbles fit. [face emoji with straight lines for eyes and mouth]  
@PatrickBrewer: @TheDavidRose lol fair enough. Love you too [red heart emoji]

* * * * *

David Rose Fan Club (iMessage group chat)

Patrick: I need your help  
Stevie: Did you finally murder David?  
Alexis: Ooh is this like a spy mission?  
Patrick: I want to take David on a special date and I need your help to get him there. It’s a surprise.  
Stevie: Hiding things from David is one of my favorite hobbies. I’m in.  
Alexis: Me too! Do we get code names? I want to be Hummingbird.  
Stevie: I’m not doing this if we have to use codenames.  
Alexis: Ugh. You’re no fun.  
Patrick: Okay, here’s the plan. I’m going to pretend there’s an emergency. Alexis, can you watch David’s store? Stevie, can you drive David to me? I’ll text you the address.  
Alexis: Patrick, is this what I think it is? [watering happy eyes emoji]

* * * * *

Schitt’s Creek Observer  
September 23

Engagements  
[photo of David with his arm around Patrick’s shoulder and Patrick’s arm around David’s waist, both smiling wide]  
David Rose and Patrick Brewer have announced their engagement. David owns both the town of Schitt’s Creek and Autumn Apothecary, and Patrick owns Halloween-R-Us. The couple met last year when Patrick moved to Schitt’s Creek to open his store. Their first date occurred when Patrick bid on a date with David at the town council’s first town hall roof fundraiser. Patrick proposed on September 5 to David at Warner Farms during a picnic. Their wedding is planned for June next year.

* * * * *

My People (iMessage group chat):

David: I need you all to promise me you will not allow anything Halloween-themed anywhere near our wedding.  
Stevie: Don’t be dramatic  
Alexis: Come on, David  
Patrick: I wouldn’t dare. I’d prefer to live after our vows and actually get to experience being married to you.  
Alexis: Awww  
Stevie: Barf  
David: I’m serious. Stevie? Alexis? I need your help with this.  
Stevie: Fine, I’ll cancel the dancing pumpkin troupe.  
Alexis: And the pumpkin carriage. You’re no fun.  
David: I’M SERIOUS. I don’t trust these townies.  
Alexis: It’ll be fine, David

* * * * *

FACEBOOK GROUP: Schittheads

Original post  
Ray Butani: Greetings! I’m so pleased with how David and Patrick’s wedding photos turned out I wanted to share. I’m available for your wedding photography needs. 

Comments  
Twyla Sands: Aww these are great, Ray! I think my favorite part of the wedding was how people changed into costumes at the reception. David looked so surprised!  
Jocelyn Schitt: I can’t believe we pulled it off!  
David Rose: I was very surprised.  
Roland Schitt: Hey Joc, you should wear your costume this weekend.  
Jocelyn Schitt: Rollie! Not in the Facebook group. We talked about this.  
Ronnie Lee: [photo of David’s shocked face and wide eyes as he entered his reception to find many of the people wearing ridiculous costumes instead of their black tie clothing] [laugh-cry emoji]  
Stevie Budd: @RonnieLee OMG thank you for that. I needed a new contact photo in my phone for David.  
Ronnie Lee: @StevieBudd Always happy to help  
Patrick Brewer: @RayButani Thanks for taking such great photos! They turned out great!  
Alexis Rose: Aww look at these photos! Such a beautiful wedding.  
Stevie Budd: @AlexisRose I especially loved your wedding dress  
Alexis Rose: @StevieBudd We promised not to bring it up ever again!  
Stevie Budd: @AlexisRose I don’t remember making that promise.  
Alexis Rose: @StevieBudd UGH!  
Patrick Brewer: @StevieBudd too soon  
Ted Mullens: @AlexisRose You looked beautiful, babe  
Alexis Rose: @TedMullens Aww thanks babe [heart emoji]

* * * * *

Schitt’s Creek Observer  
August 12

Local Entrepreneurs Join Forces to Expand Halloween Empire  
David and Patrick Rose-Brewer joined forces in love and business. This married couple, who own Autumn Apothecary and Halloween-R-Us, will offer seasonal tours in September and October. 

The pair have teamed up with several local businesses to offer tours. Tour tickets will include visits to the Rosebud haunted house, Warner farms for cheese tasting, several local wineries, spooky photos with Butani photography, a pumpkin patch stop, and more.

“Schitt’s Creek is becoming a top Halloween destination in Canada and we want to help grow that legacy by supporting other local businesses,” Patrick Rose-Brewer said. 

David Rose-Brewer added, “I’m proud of the entrepreneurial spirit in our town and region. One thing I love most about Schitt’s Creek is the community spirit and how people want to support each other. That spirit has been invaluable to my family, and Patrick and I hope to continue that with our businesses.”

The inaugural tour will be held on September 1. Tickets are available at SchittsCreekTours.com.


End file.
